The Grind!

Recently, my sister, who is a marathon runner, asked me to go to Vancouver with her and my niece. Michelle, my sis, would be running a half marathon sponsored by Lululemon. As an enticement, there would be yoga in the park, special clothing promotions, hair braiding and more. Plus I could have a brief girl's vacation using my new shiny passport!

On one of the days there Michelle planned for us to climb the Grouse Grind. The "Grind" as it more commonly known is a steep two mile hike in which you climb 3000 feet up the side of a mountain.

This is the starting sign of the Grind

To climb this hill one has to go up man made stairs that can make you lift your knees to your chest and scale rocks and tree roots. It is not for the faint of heart.

But I am faint of heart! Before this trip, I cannot get out of bed because I am feeling depressed, alone, lost, angry, full of rage, and overwhelmed. 

I haven't written for a while because I have been embarrassed that right after writing about finding a job. I lost mine with no warning and very little explanation at the end of April along with a few others at the company.

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN GOD?" I ask to no reply.

“What hope or message can you share” the enemy whispers over and over to me. “Really, does it matter if you write?”

Weeks turn into months and although I have gone on a mission's trip to serve and perhaps find my path in Thailand, my writing, resume sending, and pure begging are not bringing any fruit. I have a depression that leads me most days to not get out of bed.

So when August comes and this beautiful invitation arrives, I am looking forward to Vancouver!

It is beautiful there and my spirits are immediately lifted. We do yoga, eat sushi, and window shop.

Then comes The Grind.

We start the climb and my sis leaves me in the dust. She will finish in 45 minutes ON A DAY SHE DID A HALF MARATHON!

My niece stays with me a while saying nice words like "let's rest 30 seconds and climb 30 seconds."

I convince her to go to the top so her mom won't worry and that I am not holding this young filly back. 

I start feeling that loathing come over me:

You are such a loser!

They are going to laugh at you when you get to the top!

I want to cry and quit.

I want my whole life back to have a "do over"

Why have you made me this way God?

Why do I struggle with addiction?

Why must my ego always get so big when I am doing well?

Why can't I just be normal?

Why am I sweating so damn much right now?

But the only way out is up this mountain right now!

Three fourths of the way up and you can just make out the top of another mountain in the distance through the trees

Passing the ¾ mark I wonder if the sounds of the rescue chopper are for me? I begin to listen to a woman talking along side of me to her friend. This woman is roughly 350 lbs.

She calmly states to her friend, "I did this climb in 4.5 hours last time. Today my goal is 4 hours".

"You are amazing" the lanky friend replies.

What? Amazing? I am going to be laughed at for coming in under two hours and she is amazing?

And then it hit me. I was actually proud of this woman for doing this! She was going at her own pace but she was enjoying the experience. She was happy and living her life and trying to do better an inch at a time (literally!)

I looked out finally to understand that I, too, was climbing a mountain. A fucking mountain!!

The view from the top!

Shortly there after, I made it to the top! There were cheers and not laughs. There was beauty and no loss. There was God's earth which is so messed up but so beautiful at the same time. It was all mine to enjoy at the moment and it did not matter how long it took or what path I had taken to get there.

I've been so full of something more since that day! I know my workouts have stepped up immensely because I am aware that I am able. But what I've really gained is a knowledge that He is by my side with every step. The job will come. I just need to see the beauty along the way, go at my own pace, and know that the only way through is to not go back down!

At the top and we survived.