WHO YOU ARE!

Trembling, I walk up to the desk meant for the defense attorneys. Wearing a suit and a false bravado, I may even look like a lawyer.

The judge asks me “where is your client?”

“I am defending myself” I whisper.

“Stupid," he starts. "Ms. Marona, I see you are here today petitioning for dismissal of your case?”

“Yes, your Hon….” I am interrupted. My cheeks begin to turn the telltale scarlet of shame. I have been to three other courts this month for the same process. But I can tell this time is going to be different.

“That is not going to happen here today. I want your everyone to know WHO YOU ARE! You have a drinking problem and are a terrible alcoholic! You have been convicted three more times since being here previously” The judge berates me.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice group of defense lawyers made up solely of men start to stare at me. I have piqued their interest and they seem to convey a small amount of empathy.

A single tear rolls down my face as I say, “I would like a chance to explain………” Every bit of self-loathing grabs hold of me and my mind is blank. All I want is to get out of that courtroom.

I vaguely hear the judge say something about coming back in five years...

I turn and run out as I hear the judge say, "Petition denied".

Bursting into tears, the phrase “I want people to KNOW WHO YOU ARE” keeps ringing in my ears. I am what I have always thought, nothing!

It is September 2014 and I am five years past my last DUI. Having traveled down a long road of rehabilitation, I am hoping to get the fourth of my four driving while intoxicated convictions expunged so I can find another job without having to explain this glaring defect. Also, I want to feel a little better about who I have become.

I have gone to rehab, alcohol classes, parenting classes for a year weekly, not driven for a year, driven for the next year and a half with a breathalyzer in my car, served time in jail, finished my probation, served community service (picking up trash on the side of the road) and paid approximately $75,000 in fines and class fees.

I have worked in reverse order starting with the most recent case and am working backwards to see these removed from my record. So far, while not easy I have represented myself and proved that I am a changed person lifting three of the four.

Knowing I do not want to be behind the wheel drunk ever again, I walked into court that day hoping it would be my last day to face a judge.

Instead,  I heard “I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHO ARE!” 

I would fill in the blank often, who am I?

Loser

Weak

Friendless

Criminal

Drunk

Worthless

So many words filled my head keeping me locked into the thought that I am what I have done.

Yet, I knew that I could be a good person too. I did not know how to reconcile the drunk old me with who I was becoming. And while trying to do this self-searching, I started to get mad. 

How does that judge know who I am from a court case? 

Did he listen to anything I tried to say that day?

Who does he think he is?

Has he seen me sit on the bus stop wanting a drink so badly I can feel the vodka soothing my soul and praying to God to help me a second at a time to resist the temptation?

Did he stand by my side as I asked my children to forgive me for messing up their lives and vow to make each day better by living my amends?

Does he know or care that I have filled the hole in my soul with alcohol for most of my life and now I don't? Even when my sister suddenly died and all I wanted to do was hide in a bottle I did not!

How could he know? I wrestled for an answer that was not mine to have.

I came to understand that he is just doing his job and in Orange County, CA they take drunk driving very seriously! As they should. I do not take lightly the fact that I could and probably should be in jail the rest of my life for getting behind the wheel drunk four separate times (two were one month apart).

In a small moment of stillness today while writing in my journal, I wrote I am grateful for who I am. If that is true then who am I?

Redeemed
Daughter of a King
Fighter
Empathetic
Funny
Lover of God
Alive and able

I will go back to the judge soon to get that case dismissed. I may even write a brief to tell him all the good things I do and that I am not perfect but given new mercies every morning. But until then, I do not need his approval. My Judge above has let me know it is not what I have done but WHO I AM that matters!