My Forever Son

“A boy!?!? But…..” I muttered after giving birth to my strapping 10 pound child. “I thought you said it would be a girl?”

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Looking back, 1993 had been a momentous year for me. I had moved in with my husband, gotten married, and received the joyous news of fertility within a 3 month time frame. The events did not necessarily happen in that order.

However, despite all of this chaos, I had a calm which flowed through me. I was resolved. I would raise this child if I had a husband or not. (A tale for another day)  I set about packing on pregnancy pounds and moving into the nesting phase of my life.

As with any expectant mother, I was asked if I want to know the sex of this child. Why not?

“Oh you are definitely having a girl” the doctor beamed. “Look at her sweet turned up nose!” Maybe you should be looking elsewhere I thought.

Instant relief! A girl! A sweet girl to play dress up. A girl! I know how to do that. I can even raise her strong and resilient. I’ve got this!

Well, the doctor was wrong. Hmmm, do I give back the family heirlooms to my Mother-in-law? Shall I feign excitement? THIS IS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.

Then they put him in my arms. And I flashed back to a day in the past when I had done this before. Another couple had taken the son I’d born to raise.  A boy….Oh Lord, you are SO good! You are so perfect. Our son is perfect and almost able to hold up his big head.

Wheeled back into my recovery room and adrenaline wearing off, alone with my son I laid in a semi-lit room taking in the magnitude of this new adventure. Then he cried. It was time to change him. I struggled with the cloth diaper and pin situation but thought I did a good job until I saw a drop of blood. Had I pricked him? He wasn’t crying?

Quickly changing the blanket around so the blood didn’t show, I held my son tight knowing they would be in any minute to take him away from me for abuse. I am a terrible mother! How did I think I could do this? You don’t deserve another chance!!

Crying and willing the voices out of my head. I saw MY finger. I had pricked MY finger! And in that sweet moment I heard our Father whispering to me…..”This is your forever son.” Maybe it was the drugs from the delivery room or not. But I knew I would love this boy always with all I had! I would make sure he knew he belongs to the One that had provided! I would also learn how to make truck noises, pretend shoot a gun with my hand, watch football, and learn how to feed an army of one teenage boy for this, my forever son.